Important tips on how to manage technology use in couple relationships

Author: Christina Leggett, Psychologist

Technology use has been a phenomenal tool in current society, however it comes with an array of challenges around social relationships, behaviour problems in children and adolescents, addictive behaviours, cyber bullying, and miscommunication in relationships.

At Little Window, we commonly work with parents needing to manage technology use in their homes with their children. We also see individuals seeking to manage their own personal use of technology, as well as couples feeling disconnected from their partners due to the overuse of technology within their relationship.

Unmanaged and overuse of technology in couple relationships can negatively impact on communication between couples. It can result in dissatisfaction with intimacy and sex, disruption in lifestyle and routine, irritability and moodiness, and interruptions to healthy sleep patterns. Technology use is convenient, useful, and an enormous part of our modern-day lives, but it can also be additive and intrusive during real-time social interactions. It is important to be aware of the growing harmful impact that over-use of technology can have on relationships if not managed and monitored between couples.

Using technology separately while in the same space as your partner, contributes to dissatisfaction and disconnection in the relationship. Watching a show together however, has been shown to have positive effects on a couple, indicating that using technology together, rather than separately, can enhance connection.

Creating personal and relationship ‘rules’ and ‘boundaries’ around technology use in our homes is vital to maintain connection, healthy communication, and relationship satisfaction.

Helpful Tips for managing and monitoring technology use in your relationship:

Create Technology-free spaces and sacred spaces in your home, particularly in the bedroom

The bedroom is a space for rest, intimacy, and light reading (not from a screen or kindle). The light from devices activates and stimulates the brain and suppresses the hormone (melatonin) which lets you know that it is time for sleep. Even if you fall asleep after looking at your phone, the quality of sleep is often negatively impacted, leaving you to feel groggy, lethargic, or fatigued the following day. Many people use their phones as an alarm, however this can be easily replaced with an alarm clock. Creating a technology-free zone in the bedroom allows for quality connection and intimacy with your partner, and creates healthy lifestyle habits together.

Communicate with your partner about your technology use

Sitting down with your partner and discussing your individual technology use, as well as how much you have noticed your partner’s screen time, can help you both to become aware of how often you are using technology on your own as well as when you are around your partner. From there you can both begin to set boundaries around technology use individually, as well as when you are in the same space together.

Set up rules and boundaries around technology use together

This will vary and depend on your individual circumstances due to personal, work, or family obligations. You may decide with your partner that you may need 30 minutes to check your emails, respond to texts, or make a few calls at a certain time in the day. You can also set boundaries around this so that you or your partner are not using your phones or devices during leisure times together, or during meal times together.

Regularly and gently remind each other of the importance of setting up ‘technology use boundaries’ for your relationship

Technology use can be addictive especially during times of exhaustion and stress. We can easily fall back into old patterns of use and fall into patterns of disconnecting with our partners. It is important then to consistently check in and remind each other about your technology use when you are in the same space with your partner. Acknowledge that you have noticed your partner feeling stressed or tired and that they have been increasing their technology use while they are in your presence. You can then offer support, and re-establish new boundaries around technology use if needed.

Set up time for connection and relaxing activities together, particularly when you or your partner are feeling stressed

In this way you are replacing the urge to use your phone and disconnect, with more helpful, effective and longer-lasting stress relief activities. These could include taking a bath, going for a walk, or watching a show together. This will encourage a sense of connection, rather than disconnection, in your relationship.

Spend time outdoors together without taking or using your phone

Regularly detox from technology together and remind yourself of how great it feels to connect and be present in the moment without using your devices or taking photos of each moment.

We need to re-jog our ‘internal memory systems’ (our brain) again, rather than rely on ‘external memory systems’ (devices)

These days, we rely on our smart phones for our memory systems: we use GPSs to tell us where to go, we have reminders to tell us when an event or birthday is occurring, and we have electronic ‘phone books’ or speed-dial so we don’t need to pay attention to phone numbers anymore! It is important for us to practice and re-train our brains and memory systems again. We used to be much better at remembering how to get to places, remembering phone numbers and dates, and could describe experiences in more detail without relying on our phones or photographs. Just like physical exercise is used to keep our bodies in shape, mental exercise is needed to keep our brains in shape. A healthy internal memory system means a healthier brain and mental/physical/emotional wellness. Try placing your phone in a different room more regularly or resisting the urge to take your phone out during social situations. See what your brain is capable of doing on its own, without the assistance of technology. 

Recognise that using technology can prevent you from connecting with yourself, and therefore your partner. 

When we are constantly reaching out for our smartphones or switching on the television, we are seeking external stimulation that takes our attention away from ourselves. Having a constant array of entertainment at our fingertips can make it all too easy to avoid uncomfortable feelings or emotions and diverting our attention elsewhere. Getting into this pattern of avoidance can lead to us to feeling disconnected from what is happening in the present moment as well as what is happening internally, eroding our ability to be self-aware. If you can resist the urge to turn to technology each time you feel bored, sad, or anxious, you can start to be more familiar and in tune with how you feel, and perhaps recognise when you might need to engage in some healthy self-care. Being more self-aware will greatly enhance your ability to be present to your partner’s needs and feelings too.

Seek counselling support with your partner to help manage stress levels, lifestyle habits, and set up ‘technology use boundaries’ 

Unhelpful lifestyle habits and over-use of technology can gradually lead to feeling dissatisfied, disconnected and unhappy in couple relationships. It can be difficult once you reach this point, to be aware of what factors are contributing to feeling this way, and even more difficult to communicate clearly about it if it has been a long-term pattern. Seeking professional assistance, such as with a psychologist, can provide you with a safe and unbiased space to communicate effectively with your partner, identify what the contributors are to dissatisfaction in the relationship, break unhelpful habits or patterns, and creatively set up your own ‘technology use boundaries.’