Let’s talk about Pronouns
What are pronouns?
Personal gender pronouns are third-person words that we like others to use when talking about us, when they choose to not use our name. More specifically, they are words that line up with our gender identity. Common examples of pronouns are 'she', 'hers', 'he', 'his, 'they' and 'theirs'.
How do I tell what my pronouns are and start using them?
Pronouns are probably something you've never had to think about if you were born cisgender (which means the sex you were assigned at birth matches your gender identity). If you are cisgender, you probably use he/him pronouns if you’re male or she/her pronouns if you’re female.
If you're trans or gender diverse, however, you may have started questioning your pronouns when you realised you weren't cisgender. In this case, deciding on the pronouns you want to use will be a personal process of experimenting until you find those that capture your gender identity and how you want others to refer to you. There are many pronouns out there from traditional (she/he/they) to non-traditional (ze/hir/xem). You can also use no pronouns, one set of pronouns, or multiple sets of pronouns. And if you can't find any that work for you, you can make up your own!
How do I ask people their pronouns? Or share mine?
In trans and gender diverse communities, the practice of asking for someone's pronouns helps normalise gender diversity and the importance of gendering people correctly. At the same time, in some situations like asking for someone's pronouns in a group of people, there is a risk of being 'outed' and having one's gender identity revealed without their consent, which can place that person at risk of discrimination. Although every situation will differ, a good rule of thumb is to offer your own pronouns first before asking for someone else's pronouns; and ensuring you're asking in a private rather than public setting to increase an individual's sense of safety to disclose their pronouns to you. One way this conversation might go is to say/ask: "Hi! My name is Alex and my pronouns are "he" and "they". What are your pronouns?" Do not pressure someone to share their pronouns, bearing in mind that there may be safety reasons that they do not want to share them. If a person seems apprehensive, you might choose to just introduce yourself and offer your pronouns without asking theirs; leaving the door open for them to do so in the future if they wish.
What if I accidentally use the wrong pronoun for someone or hear someone else doing this?
It's normal to slip up from time to time! The most important thing to do in this situation is to correct yourself and move on quickly. For example, you might say, "Sorry, I meant to say 'she'", and then move on. Although it's tempting to overapologise or focus on how hard it is to get someone's pronouns right, this often makes the person who has been misgendered feel bad and may make them feel responsible for comforting you, which is not their responsibility or respectful to them. If you notice someone else using the wrong pronouns for someone, the process of gently correcting them and moving on, is similar. For example, you might say, "Alex uses 'they' pronouns'" and move on. You may have to do this only once or you may have to do this several times - the important thing is that you show the person who has been misgendered that you are their ally - without making such a big scene that you embarrass them or make them feel unsafe. If you notice someone being repeatedly misgendered, you might choose to approach them in private afterwards to check on them and whether they felt comfortable with how you managed the situation.
Author: Pablo Navarro
‘he/they’
Counselling Psychologist, Clinical Psychosexual Therapist and Practice Manager