How to Overcome People Pleasing
People pleasing is one of the four trauma responses (fight, flight, freeze and fawn). Pleasing (or fawning) is a self- protective behaviour that we tend to engage in when we feel unsafe in relationships. Over time, pleasing can create pain and suffering for ourselves, and can create relationships with others that can feel dysfunctional and unfulfilling.
What is people pleasing?
Feeling anxious about saying no or agreeing when you disagree.
Valuing the time and opinion of others over your own.
Forgetting your needs or not listening to your needs.
Putting your health, time, and mental wellness behind someone else’s comfort.
Taking accountability for something you didn’t do to keep the peace.
Finding ways to please others so that they don’t confront or start an argument with you.
Fear of disappointing others or relationships ending if you don’t put others first.
Feeling the need to fix or save others.
Overextending and overcommitting yourself to please others even if you don’t have the time, money, or energy.
Disconnecting from your body, feelings and emotions in order to follow through when you have said yes.
Feeling regret, agitation, or resentment after saying yes.
where does people- pleasing behaviour stem from?
Your emotional needs not being met as a child.
Low self- esteem.
Growing up being the practical and emotional caregiver in your family because your parent/s were not able to.
Being told you 'overreact' in situations.
Experiencing relational trauma in childhood and adult relationships.
A previous relationship has broken down after you have set a boundary for yourself due to the other person not respecting you, therefore you associate boundaries with losing people.
Societal violence such as racism, sexism, transphobia, etc.
You were praised as being ‘good’ as a child, to the point where your identity became intertwined with being easy-going and accommodating.
how to overcome people- pleasing
When asked to do something, practice responding with, “let me think about it and get back to you” so that you are not automatically saying yes, and have time to consider your answer.
You do not need to over-explain yourself. It’s okay to be misunderstood if you say no.
Remember that our needs and boundaries are respected by the emotionally mature people in our lives.
Remember that you are not responsible for someone else’s emotional response if you say no to a request.
Reflect on whether you are saying yes to gain someone's approval and whether this is healthy for you.
Practice sitting with the discomfort of people being disappointed if you say no. Adults are capable of handling disappointment.
Assure yourself that it is okay to not meet someone's expectations of you.
Trust your gut around whether the person asking you to do something is manipulating you, or has a pattern on relying on you always saying ‘yes’ to them to meet their needs.
Get clear on what you want to say ‘yes’ to and what you want to make time for in your life, and prioritise these things so it’s more clear on what you don’t have time and energy for and need to say ‘no’ to.
Work on building your self-esteem and self-worth. Research shows that people-pleasers experience high levels of insecurity. The more you experience a secure sense of Self, the less you will fall into people-pleasing.
Speak to a therapist about your people-pleasing patterns to support insight and increased self-awareness around how you can begin to shift these dynamics with others in your life.
Authors:
Thania Siauw (she/her) Psychologist & Director.
Christina Leggett (she/her) Psychologist & Director.
Ireland Hicks (she/her) Practice Manager & Marketing Director.